Now, What Was That Address?

     Recently a friend had a garage/barn sale.  Said I'd help but not till 9 AM or so.  Somewhere around 9:30 I headed her way.  Didn't  know the address, but had been there before.  No problem, I knew the way and about where it was in the block.  I could find it, I'm not stupid.
     From the loop, highway around town, I was to turn North onto a street right after a Toot'n Totum.   Now I've never been real good at reading street names and driving at the same time.  Right after that T'nT I slowed down so I could read the signs better.  Dang, I do believe that was the street I wanted.   Not sure it's legal but I made a "U" turn right there in the middle of the highway and went back to the street I'd just passed.
     Nope, wasn't the right one, but it did get me on the right side of the highway.  Drove down that street until there was a cross street I was positive would take me to the one I needed.  Sure 'nough it did, so I drove until I came to the street she lived on.
     At her house I parked in front even though the garage sale was in the barn off the alley, and marched like I had good sense up to her front door.  That's when things fell apart. A person should never march like they have good sense
      Humm, didn't know she had those pots of flowers on her porch.  Wonder if she'll sell me one? Didn't know she had this tiny foyer before you get to her front door either.  'Course I've always gone through her garage.  First door wasn't locked, so I tried to open the next door.  It was locked.  Figured she was in the barn, 'cause that's where the sale was.  Surely someone's in the house though.  Anita, Anita, you in there?  Anybody?.
     BARK, BARK, BARK
     Ups, that doesn't sound like Pearl.  That's a little dog.  I looked around, then stepped from the foyer back onto the porch, and there in the back yard was a little pup I'd never seen, starin' at me and yappin' it's head off.  By then, the two little dogs in the house and one in the back yard, were all makin' so much noise it's a wonder people didn't come from all direction to see what was the matter. I was definitely in the wrong place.
     Oh! Bad word  that starts with an 's'.
     I got back in my lil'ole car fast as I could, turned around and turned back onto the street I'd come on.  All the time hopin' nobody saw me.   At the alley, I drove down to her barn and parked.  Yep, the garage/barn sale was in full swing.  Walked in like nothin' had happened.  "I'm here."
     Don't remember ever walkin' into someone else's house without knockin' and I'm  dang sure not gonna do it again.  At lease not until I lose my mind completely.  Gee Whiz, it's a wonder I didn't get shot.

Yep! I'm a True Blond

      I've been a true-blond all my life until I turned white-headed.  Problem is my brain has not changed. I want to tell you that those things they call blond jokes - they're actually just true-blond stories.  And I gave the man at the FIXIT shop a dozie he can tell for a long time.  I'll bet those men in that shop rolled in the floor laughing after I left, which was just a few minutes ago.
      My story is I've been having a little trouble with my cell phone.  I had charged it and couldn't get the thing to turn back on.  Worked for about four days, charging it, then trying to turn it on and absolutely nothing happened.  I needed it on so that I could use it.  I don't use it a lot, but when I need it I really need it.
      Finally, I broke down and took it  to the FIXIT store out on Coulter.  Started to go to Walmart 'cause it probably would be cheaper, but I was in a hurry and needed to get it fixed - now.
      Walked into the store and told a man behind the counter that I didn't know a lot about cell phones, but that I had charged mine and now I couldn't get it to turn on.
      He took it in his hand and since it't a flip phone, he opened it.  Well when he did, the screen that had been solid black for days, turned white with a little 'something' in the middle, and then, what I call the opening screen came on.
      It's a wonder a person four blocks away couldn't hear my chin hittin' the floor.  That man hadn't done anything but just open it.  I had opened it so many times it's a wonder the hinges were still working.  I couldn't believe. it.
     "It's on" he said.
      I'm sure he thinks I'm the dumbest old woman that ever lived.  I'm not, I swear i am not, close maybe, but there's a whole lot that are stupider than me,I'm just sure of it.
      Anyway, I thanked him very nicely and left.
      My problem now, is the next time I need to charge that apparatus, do I turn it off, or leave it on.  And if so, how do I turn it off.  I don't even know how to leave it on.  Haven't worried about that, it just always seems to be on.  That is, 'till it goes dead.  Then I charge it.  At least that's what's happened before.  Now I'm not sure what to expect.  I wish I had a book for that sucker.
      Shoot, why DID they do away with books with instructions?  Us ol' fogies can still read - at least most of the time.

IT TAKES TALENT TO BE THIS STUPID

Either I am really talented or I work awfully hard at being stupid, and I've got a shiner a six year-old boy would be proud of, to show for it.  Also I've got one dog that is terrably afraid there is something bad wrong with me, the other puppy doesn't care.  The problem is I can't seem to stay upright.

Last Saturday I was in the back yard and noticed for the umpteenth time that a tree limb had grown over and was scraping on my patio cover.   I've said the cover is made of fiberglass, but it's probably just plain old cheap plastic.  Still, every time the wind blew, that limb rubbed across it and maked noise and sooner or later would knock a hole in the cover. 

That limb, that hadn't really bothered me for months, had to come off.- RIGHT THEN.  I got a saw, the kind you have to push and pull.   I picked just the right place it should come off and started pushing and pulling.  I had to do this with my arms up in the air because this limb was a couple feet above my head.  It also had several little branches shootin' off of it and lots of little green leaves.  It was a nice little limb.  But - it had to go.

After I'd sawd for a while and wasn't gettin' anywhere, I decided that I needed to pull it off the patio cover so that I could get more leverage.  It was beginning to bind on the saw.  I reached up,  grabbed hold of it and started pulling it down underneith the cover.  Well that thing was several feet longer than I thought.  I got busy and did some real pullin'.

That's when I heard a crack.  All of a sudden I'm holdin' on for dear life to a limb that is airborn and diving for the concrete patio.  All I could do was hang on for the ride.  First thing that I hit was a concrete bench with the back of my head, just at the bottom of my skull.  When the rest of me made it all the way down I just layed there in a crumpled heap until it dawned on me that I had to find my glasses.  After I found them, I felt around under limbs and leaves until I found the left lense.

Half hartedly I yelled for help, but knew knowbody was gonna come, so I figured it was up to me to get myself out of that mess.  The concrete bench hadn't moved and I managed to reach a straight, metal patio chair.  I pulled that sucker over and between the bench and chair managed to pull myself upright, all the way to a standing position.  Poor little Blossom, the pup I mentioned above, was standing there staring at me with her mouth open, lookin' at me like she was askin' "Mama are you OK?"  Shoot yeah, I was OK.

I headed for the back door, Blossom  by my side, and wondered why I couldn't see very good.  It looked like my eyelid was hangin' down.  'Bout that time I noticed my left hand was bloody, but wasn't dripping so I went on into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  Yep, my left eyelid was swollen, black and all around it was red and yellow.

Tried my glasses on, but they were so twisted that I couldn't wear them.  Found an old pair that the left lense kept falling out so I Scotch taped it in and then drove to get both pair of glasses straightened, and put back together.

Sunday morning I went to Sunday School.  I took the back stairs so that I wouldn't see any more people than necessary.  Velma looked at my and asked "My gosh, what happened to you?"  Travis, our teacher gave me a hug and said "That sure is a pretty blouse."  Velma answered "Yeah, it's the color of her eye."  Then he looked a little closer and said "Well, your glasses cover it up pretty well."  Elayne came in, sat down across the room, then looked at me and squinted, then she leaned forward, as if six inches would make a difference, and squinted more.  I took of my glasses so that she could see and her mouth dropped open. 

After class Dalpha, Billy Ray and the other three gathered around asking questions.  I told them I'd had a  fight with a limb.  Someone said I looked like the limb won.   "Nope," I said.  "I am upright and that limb is still laying on the ground."


I have another limb that needs to come off.  It's dead.  I've thought about tying one end of a rope around it and the other end to my car and pulling it off.  I'm afraid it might mess up my car so I think I'll just let the wind knock it off.  I'm really tryin' to not be stupid again.

That limb was still there this morning, so I pulled it out to the alley and left it by the dumpster.

Happy Birthday - Who?

I swear, there are days that I don't have the brains God gave a goose, and Sunday was one of them.  I  told my son, Wesley, that I would bake him a birthday cake.  He was to have company and wanted chocolate so I baked a chocolate cake.  Then I needed to decorate it.

I have baked many cakes and decorated them.  I even won first prize at my decorating class years ago.  I know how to decorate.  I can use both butter cream and fondant.  I decided to use butter cream.  That's what I won first prize using.

First, I couldn't get the butter cream to go on smoothly.  Didn't worry, I could fix that.  Got the cake covered, then mixed the colors - green, yellow and brown.  Evidently, it makes a difference in the color if the icing is fondant or butter cream.  My green came out a dirty, nasty green. Tried a different green.  Worked.  Started by putting on brown stems for flowers.  Looked fine.  The yellow flowers were a cross between a rose bud and Lily. They didn't look bad.  Leaves were next - so, so, but was running out of time, so they had to do. 

Next came the Happy Birthday and Wesley.  I wrote' Happy Birthday' across the top and Wesley underneath. Stood back and look at my handiwork.  Never have been able to spell, but somehow that Birthday came out "Birtdy"  I couldn't leave it like that so I managed to get part of the lettering off and finally had Birthday, even though it was a little crooked.

Next I looked at Wesley.  I've spelled his name for years.  I had written "Wesssly".  Nuts, again I scraped off part of the word and got it right - "Wesley".

The final step was the border around both the top and bottom of the cake.  Was using a plastic throwaway bag and couldn't make it work well, and by now my hands were hurting.  When I finally  got both borders in place I was tired, running late, and the cake was a disaster.  Didn't have time to  bake another one.

My solution was to go to the grocery store and buy one.  Picked out an Italian Cream and the lady was to put Happy Birthday and his name on it.  She asked me how to spell Wesley and I told her.  A few minutes later she peeked around a partition and asked, " was that with an "e" or  "y".  "Y" I said.  She disappeared and came back a short time later with the packaged cake.  I took it and paid.

On the way to my car I looked at the cake.  It said Happy Birthday Wesly.  Oh S--t.  He was to have a house full of company.  I presented both cakes to him.

For crying out loud, I can decorate a cake, remember? I won first place.  When those people at Wesley's saw that messed-up cake,  I don't think I could have been more embarrassed if I had been the Pope coming out of a whorehouse naked.

Hallelujha for Duct Tape

Seems like every time I start to do anything, I get sidetreacked and end up doing something entirely different. 

Today, I cleaned house.  At least part of it - 'till I got sidetracked.  Had some crumbs and thought I would take them out to the birds.  Sounds easy - right?  No.  While I was outside, I took a look around the back yard.  Haven't done that since six Sundays before Christmas, or at least a good long while.  Saw a plant that needed water, also noticed enough puppy poop to fertilize half of New York City.  A few leaves needed raking too.

Shoot, I could spend a week out there and still not get it cleaned, but anyway, I went around to the west side of my house, where the doggie door opens.  There, next to the fence lay half of said doggie door.  Not supposed to be there.  It is supposed to be attached to the house.

I picked it up and found that the bottom corners were fine.  Top corners - a different story.  One corner was broken off and the other one was fine, but had a screw sticking in it.  Found the broken off piece and it had a screw in it too.  Huh, those screws must be what held that sucker on the house. 

I bent down and took a look.  Yep, the outside half of the doggie door was missing.  That's where the one I held was spossed to be.  Hum, I can fix it, but I need a screwdriver.  I head inside, pups following every step.  Better get the duct tape and scissors too, that is. unless I wanna make another trip.

Back outside I'm ready to make repairs.  I hold the outside half in place and try to figure out what to do.  Dogs are going in and out, in and out, just like it was a new toy.  Talk about trying to fix something with the help of two year olds.  It's the same thing.

Finally I realize that there is no way on this brown earth I'm going to be able to  screw that sucker back in place, 'cause one corner isn't even there, and I can't make the screw match the hole in the other one.

Out comes the duct tape and scissors.  I start whackin' and slappin' it on.  That half of doggie door is  back in place.  Of coarse, the rest of the house around it is white and it's not, but  that rascal isn't gonna come off until some one really does a lot of pullin'

You know, I learned a long time ago, that if you have a job to do and don't have the stuff to do it with, or can't figure out how to do it, grab the duct tape.  I've temporarly hemed skirts, pants, taped all kinds of junk back together and even taped the bumper back on my car.  Worked too.  Car's silver, tape's silver an' it didn't rattle.  May not have looked great, but I didn't worry, at least not until people started askin' stupid questions.  Then I decided I'd better go ahead and shell out the $1,500.00 for a new one.  That'll sure make you think twice before runnin' over curbs.

Anyway, I'm sure glad to have a good supply of duct tape.  Now, if we can just keep the government from finding out that it works, we'll be OK.  So keep it a secret.  If those Scalawags ever find out that it's good for something I'm in deep manure. 

I'm Not A Total Retard, But I'm Sure A Slow Learner

Several years ago after hauling a marble slab, a gift for my youngest son, from one end of Westgate Mall to the other, I said I'd never, ever buy something big and have to carry it through the mall again.  Well, today I did it - again.  Needed to get Jennifer, my youngest granddaughter, a sixteenth birthday gift.  I thought about a nice piece of jewelry.  My Penney's card has less than fifty bucks on it so that's where I started.

Stood at the jewlery counter quite a while, checking out what they had, when a young, rather rough, hairy young man finally came over and asked if I needed help.  I said I did and he asked what kind.  I made a motion to the jewelry on display.
     "Which one?"
     "I would like to look at several."
     "Which ones?"
     "Can you show me some?"
     "Yeah."
     "Can you go behind the counter to get them?"
     "Yeah."
     "Well, then, would you go back there?" At that I motioned for him to go behind the counter so that he could take something out.  Looking rather disgusted, he actually went behind the counter.
     "Okay, what do you wanna to see?"
     "I'd like to know the range of prices for these."  I pointed to a section.
     "How much you wanna to spend?"
     I thought a minute and finally said between fifty and seventy five dollars.
     "These all cost more'n that."
     I sighed.  The thought of dealing with him was more than I could take.  "I think I've changed my mind."

I know it's the day after Thanksgiving, but that fellow should have stayed home.  Penneys had to have been desperate to have hired him, or they would have asked him to act and look more professional.

In the mall I went into a store that looked like it might have something suitable.  The sales lady was extremely nice and did her best to help.  I took one look at what she said was "very popular with the young crowd" and thought 'I'm not spending my money on that junk, I'll let her daddy buy it' thanked the lady and left.

Dillards was on the other side of the mall.  Went in, found just what I wanted.  Not jewelry, but a beautiful jewelry case.  Bought it.  Saleslady put it in a sack lifted it and said "This is pretty heavy. Can you handle this?"  "Oh, yeah, I can handle it" I said, shaking my head.  I lifted it,  It was a little heavy, but I'd already said I could handle it. Two sales ladies asked if I was sure I didn't need help, and was I parked close.  "No problem, I'm just right outside the door in handicaped parking" I said.  At the door it dawned on me.  Sure, I was right outside the door - all the way across the mall on the other side of Penneys.

If you've ever been seventy nine, tried to walk really fast while doing your best not to drop a huge, heavy package, with people scooting out of your way, while glancing at you out of the corner of their eyes, wondering when you're gonna fall flat on your face dead, then you know how I felt. 

I hung onto that package - tight, like it was pure gold, breathing out of my nose while I gasped for breath inside, but didn't dare open my mouth.  If I had opened my mouth, I would have been panting so hard fifteen people would have grabbed their cell phones to call 911, while twenty five others tried to steal my purse, lift the package, pull off my finger holding the car keys, and ripp my clothes trying to pull 'em off of me.  I would have been left lying on that hard stone floor naked as a jay bird, breathing like a whale coming up for air.  I wasn't about to give anybody that privilege.

When I finally got to my car I sat pant'n like a bull elephant in heat for several minutes before I could focus my eyes enough to drive.  Yep, I'm a slow learner, but this time surely I have learned my lesson.. Dang, I hope so.

Well, It Happened

The person, you know, that crispy fried Asian noodle that called me the other day and told me that someone would call?  Well, he did - this morning.  I -- was -- ready.  A man started realing off a bunch of words that couldn't be separated with a sharp knife and I stopped him flat.

"Stop.  Don't talk LOUDER, talk SLOWER.

He did.

Well, I want'ch  to know, I was blown away.  He was NICE.  He ruined my whole grouchy attitude.  I couldn't do anything but listen and answer his questions - in monotone - low monotone.  I was ready to be tacky and he pushed that tacky plumb out the door.

Now, guess what , I don't have to go pick up my blood testing suplies anymore, plus, I get a new meter.  He even wished me a good day.  I sat there like a dry, day old, Southern biscuit.  All I could think of to say was "thank you" and "good by".  He left me with a huge, huge hairlip.

Somestimes it is hard to change instantly from wanting to chew someone out and spit them in the trash, to being civil.  Especially when they have no idea that you've been gnawing on them for two days. 

I think what I had better do is give myself a serious attitude adjustment.  And I'm not talking about the way people on the phone upset me.  There's others that send me into outer space too, like drivers.

I don't have time, and should not worry about people throwing me into a tizzy.  I'm old enough to know that they can't do that if I don't let them.  So, from now on, I'm going to try to control myself.  I shall take the high road and let others have the gutter, thank you.

To begin, I've got a whole pot of fresh coffee in my kitchen, and I'm gonna go drink it.  May even have a piece of cake - or chocolate.  Shoot, I might even have both.  If you want a cup, come on by.  I promise to be nice.

Don't let anybody get'ch down - OK?