Now, What Was That Address?

     Recently a friend had a garage/barn sale.  Said I'd help but not till 9 AM or so.  Somewhere around 9:30 I headed her way.  Didn't  know the address, but had been there before.  No problem, I knew the way and about where it was in the block.  I could find it, I'm not stupid.
     From the loop, highway around town, I was to turn North onto a street right after a Toot'n Totum.   Now I've never been real good at reading street names and driving at the same time.  Right after that T'nT I slowed down so I could read the signs better.  Dang, I do believe that was the street I wanted.   Not sure it's legal but I made a "U" turn right there in the middle of the highway and went back to the street I'd just passed.
     Nope, wasn't the right one, but it did get me on the right side of the highway.  Drove down that street until there was a cross street I was positive would take me to the one I needed.  Sure 'nough it did, so I drove until I came to the street she lived on.
     At her house I parked in front even though the garage sale was in the barn off the alley, and marched like I had good sense up to her front door.  That's when things fell apart. A person should never march like they have good sense
      Humm, didn't know she had those pots of flowers on her porch.  Wonder if she'll sell me one? Didn't know she had this tiny foyer before you get to her front door either.  'Course I've always gone through her garage.  First door wasn't locked, so I tried to open the next door.  It was locked.  Figured she was in the barn, 'cause that's where the sale was.  Surely someone's in the house though.  Anita, Anita, you in there?  Anybody?.
     BARK, BARK, BARK
     Ups, that doesn't sound like Pearl.  That's a little dog.  I looked around, then stepped from the foyer back onto the porch, and there in the back yard was a little pup I'd never seen, starin' at me and yappin' it's head off.  By then, the two little dogs in the house and one in the back yard, were all makin' so much noise it's a wonder people didn't come from all direction to see what was the matter. I was definitely in the wrong place.
     Oh! Bad word  that starts with an 's'.
     I got back in my lil'ole car fast as I could, turned around and turned back onto the street I'd come on.  All the time hopin' nobody saw me.   At the alley, I drove down to her barn and parked.  Yep, the garage/barn sale was in full swing.  Walked in like nothin' had happened.  "I'm here."
     Don't remember ever walkin' into someone else's house without knockin' and I'm  dang sure not gonna do it again.  At lease not until I lose my mind completely.  Gee Whiz, it's a wonder I didn't get shot.

Yep! I'm a True Blond

      I've been a true-blond all my life until I turned white-headed.  Problem is my brain has not changed. I want to tell you that those things they call blond jokes - they're actually just true-blond stories.  And I gave the man at the FIXIT shop a dozie he can tell for a long time.  I'll bet those men in that shop rolled in the floor laughing after I left, which was just a few minutes ago.
      My story is I've been having a little trouble with my cell phone.  I had charged it and couldn't get the thing to turn back on.  Worked for about four days, charging it, then trying to turn it on and absolutely nothing happened.  I needed it on so that I could use it.  I don't use it a lot, but when I need it I really need it.
      Finally, I broke down and took it  to the FIXIT store out on Coulter.  Started to go to Walmart 'cause it probably would be cheaper, but I was in a hurry and needed to get it fixed - now.
      Walked into the store and told a man behind the counter that I didn't know a lot about cell phones, but that I had charged mine and now I couldn't get it to turn on.
      He took it in his hand and since it't a flip phone, he opened it.  Well when he did, the screen that had been solid black for days, turned white with a little 'something' in the middle, and then, what I call the opening screen came on.
      It's a wonder a person four blocks away couldn't hear my chin hittin' the floor.  That man hadn't done anything but just open it.  I had opened it so many times it's a wonder the hinges were still working.  I couldn't believe. it.
     "It's on" he said.
      I'm sure he thinks I'm the dumbest old woman that ever lived.  I'm not, I swear i am not, close maybe, but there's a whole lot that are stupider than me,I'm just sure of it.
      Anyway, I thanked him very nicely and left.
      My problem now, is the next time I need to charge that apparatus, do I turn it off, or leave it on.  And if so, how do I turn it off.  I don't even know how to leave it on.  Haven't worried about that, it just always seems to be on.  That is, 'till it goes dead.  Then I charge it.  At least that's what's happened before.  Now I'm not sure what to expect.  I wish I had a book for that sucker.
      Shoot, why DID they do away with books with instructions?  Us ol' fogies can still read - at least most of the time.

IT TAKES TALENT TO BE THIS STUPID

Either I am really talented or I work awfully hard at being stupid, and I've got a shiner a six year-old boy would be proud of, to show for it.  Also I've got one dog that is terrably afraid there is something bad wrong with me, the other puppy doesn't care.  The problem is I can't seem to stay upright.

Last Saturday I was in the back yard and noticed for the umpteenth time that a tree limb had grown over and was scraping on my patio cover.   I've said the cover is made of fiberglass, but it's probably just plain old cheap plastic.  Still, every time the wind blew, that limb rubbed across it and maked noise and sooner or later would knock a hole in the cover. 

That limb, that hadn't really bothered me for months, had to come off.- RIGHT THEN.  I got a saw, the kind you have to push and pull.   I picked just the right place it should come off and started pushing and pulling.  I had to do this with my arms up in the air because this limb was a couple feet above my head.  It also had several little branches shootin' off of it and lots of little green leaves.  It was a nice little limb.  But - it had to go.

After I'd sawd for a while and wasn't gettin' anywhere, I decided that I needed to pull it off the patio cover so that I could get more leverage.  It was beginning to bind on the saw.  I reached up,  grabbed hold of it and started pulling it down underneith the cover.  Well that thing was several feet longer than I thought.  I got busy and did some real pullin'.

That's when I heard a crack.  All of a sudden I'm holdin' on for dear life to a limb that is airborn and diving for the concrete patio.  All I could do was hang on for the ride.  First thing that I hit was a concrete bench with the back of my head, just at the bottom of my skull.  When the rest of me made it all the way down I just layed there in a crumpled heap until it dawned on me that I had to find my glasses.  After I found them, I felt around under limbs and leaves until I found the left lense.

Half hartedly I yelled for help, but knew knowbody was gonna come, so I figured it was up to me to get myself out of that mess.  The concrete bench hadn't moved and I managed to reach a straight, metal patio chair.  I pulled that sucker over and between the bench and chair managed to pull myself upright, all the way to a standing position.  Poor little Blossom, the pup I mentioned above, was standing there staring at me with her mouth open, lookin' at me like she was askin' "Mama are you OK?"  Shoot yeah, I was OK.

I headed for the back door, Blossom  by my side, and wondered why I couldn't see very good.  It looked like my eyelid was hangin' down.  'Bout that time I noticed my left hand was bloody, but wasn't dripping so I went on into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.  Yep, my left eyelid was swollen, black and all around it was red and yellow.

Tried my glasses on, but they were so twisted that I couldn't wear them.  Found an old pair that the left lense kept falling out so I Scotch taped it in and then drove to get both pair of glasses straightened, and put back together.

Sunday morning I went to Sunday School.  I took the back stairs so that I wouldn't see any more people than necessary.  Velma looked at my and asked "My gosh, what happened to you?"  Travis, our teacher gave me a hug and said "That sure is a pretty blouse."  Velma answered "Yeah, it's the color of her eye."  Then he looked a little closer and said "Well, your glasses cover it up pretty well."  Elayne came in, sat down across the room, then looked at me and squinted, then she leaned forward, as if six inches would make a difference, and squinted more.  I took of my glasses so that she could see and her mouth dropped open. 

After class Dalpha, Billy Ray and the other three gathered around asking questions.  I told them I'd had a  fight with a limb.  Someone said I looked like the limb won.   "Nope," I said.  "I am upright and that limb is still laying on the ground."


I have another limb that needs to come off.  It's dead.  I've thought about tying one end of a rope around it and the other end to my car and pulling it off.  I'm afraid it might mess up my car so I think I'll just let the wind knock it off.  I'm really tryin' to not be stupid again.

That limb was still there this morning, so I pulled it out to the alley and left it by the dumpster.

Happy Birthday - Who?

I swear, there are days that I don't have the brains God gave a goose, and Sunday was one of them.  I  told my son, Wesley, that I would bake him a birthday cake.  He was to have company and wanted chocolate so I baked a chocolate cake.  Then I needed to decorate it.

I have baked many cakes and decorated them.  I even won first prize at my decorating class years ago.  I know how to decorate.  I can use both butter cream and fondant.  I decided to use butter cream.  That's what I won first prize using.

First, I couldn't get the butter cream to go on smoothly.  Didn't worry, I could fix that.  Got the cake covered, then mixed the colors - green, yellow and brown.  Evidently, it makes a difference in the color if the icing is fondant or butter cream.  My green came out a dirty, nasty green. Tried a different green.  Worked.  Started by putting on brown stems for flowers.  Looked fine.  The yellow flowers were a cross between a rose bud and Lily. They didn't look bad.  Leaves were next - so, so, but was running out of time, so they had to do. 

Next came the Happy Birthday and Wesley.  I wrote' Happy Birthday' across the top and Wesley underneath. Stood back and look at my handiwork.  Never have been able to spell, but somehow that Birthday came out "Birtdy"  I couldn't leave it like that so I managed to get part of the lettering off and finally had Birthday, even though it was a little crooked.

Next I looked at Wesley.  I've spelled his name for years.  I had written "Wesssly".  Nuts, again I scraped off part of the word and got it right - "Wesley".

The final step was the border around both the top and bottom of the cake.  Was using a plastic throwaway bag and couldn't make it work well, and by now my hands were hurting.  When I finally  got both borders in place I was tired, running late, and the cake was a disaster.  Didn't have time to  bake another one.

My solution was to go to the grocery store and buy one.  Picked out an Italian Cream and the lady was to put Happy Birthday and his name on it.  She asked me how to spell Wesley and I told her.  A few minutes later she peeked around a partition and asked, " was that with an "e" or  "y".  "Y" I said.  She disappeared and came back a short time later with the packaged cake.  I took it and paid.

On the way to my car I looked at the cake.  It said Happy Birthday Wesly.  Oh S--t.  He was to have a house full of company.  I presented both cakes to him.

For crying out loud, I can decorate a cake, remember? I won first place.  When those people at Wesley's saw that messed-up cake,  I don't think I could have been more embarrassed if I had been the Pope coming out of a whorehouse naked.